Friday, December 31, 2004

2005 Here I Come!

As 2004 comes to a close, I've reflected on my life. So much has happened. Just so much!! Around the world and most of all myself. As previous posts would have mention, relationships was the topic of the year... So much emotional burden was involved. I'm glad come 2005, all things new will happen (thanks to LLBQ) and it's certainly looking very bright! I'm not much of a resolution person. I believe that if one has to chance, you have to chance NOW. Learnt that from my all time teacher Anthony Robbins. However, there are a few things will have to be changed and I'm doing it NOW!

Therefore, that leaves us to a mathematical equation:

Change + NOW = 2005

So get up, get started and make a change today!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Tsu Tsu Na Na Mi Mi

Tsunami... The hotest topic in town today. Mainly because so many died and it affected the region so badly. What have this world turn into? People in Malaysia would have never thought we'll ever see such a thing and yet, it came, it saw and it conquered!

Let's take a minute and pray for those who fell victim of the tradegy and what a year 2004 is coming to an end...

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

What I Want For Christmas?

Christmas was fantastic! What did I get for Christmas...? Hrmm, let's see. One big thing. LLBQ was with me and we shoped and cooked Christmas eve dinner together... That was the best birthday present. Couldn't be better. Well, but the great beautiful LLBQ bought me a lot of things for Christmas.

Let's start. She bought me a photo framed with 4 of our pictures on it. She stole the picture from our photo album lying in the dining room. Lucky for her, i didn't notice it. The photo frame fitted perfectly on the bar top by my kitchen.

Then another one I opened was 2005 Evian bottle. Looks sweet and it sat by the TV.

What's more, I got 2 shirts from Kenneth Cole... One white and one blue. Looks splendid!

And finally, a Tous bracelet. Absolutely gorgeous and fitted just perfectly!

I gave her a sunglasses to replace the one she had and tons of love.. Yup, tons of LOVEEEEE...!!!


What I Want For Christmas?

Christmas was fantastic! What did I get for Christmas...? Hrmm, let's see. One big thing. LLBQ was with me and we shoped and cooked Christmas eve dinner together... That was the best birthday present. Couldn't be better. Well, but the great beautiful LLBQ bought me a lot of things for Christmas.

Let's start. She bought me a photo framed with 4 of our pictures on it. She stole the picture from our photo album lying in the dining room. Lucky for her, i didn't notice it. The photo frame fitted perfectly on the bar top by my kitchen.

Then another one I opened was 2005 Evian bottle. Looks sweet and it sat by the TV.

What's more, I got 2 shirts from Kenneth Cole... One white and one blue. Looks splendid!

And finally, a Tous bracelet. Absolutely gorgeous and fitted just perfectly!

I gave her a sunglasses to replace the one she had and tons of love.. Yup, tons of LOVEEEEE...!!!

Friday, December 24, 2004

Merry Merry Christmas...

A Touching Christmas Story

On the last day before Christmas, I hurried to go to the supermarket to buy the gifts I didn't manage to buy earlier. When I saw all the people there, I started to complain to myself: It is going to take forever here and I still have so many other places to go... Christmas really is getting more and more annoying every year. How I wish I could just lie down, go to sleep and only wake up after it. Nonetheless, I made my way to the toy section, and there I started to curse the prices, wondering if kids really play with such expensive toys. While looking in the toy section, I noticed a small boy of about 5 years old pressing a doll against his chest. He kept on touching the hair of the doll and looked so sad. I wondered who this doll was for. Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?' The old lady replied: 'You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear. Then she asked him to stay here for 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I started to walk towards him and asked who he wanted to give this doll to. It is the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for this Christmas. She was so sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her. I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus will bring it to her, after all, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly.

No, Santa Claus can not bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mother so that she can give it to her when she goes there. His eyes were so sad while saying this. My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mummy will also go to see God very soon, so I thought that she could bring the doll with her to give it to my sister. My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said: I told daddy to tell mummy not to go yet. I asked him to wait until I come back from the supermarket. Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me: I also want mummy to take this photo with her so that she will not forget me. I love my mummy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister. Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly. I quickly reached for my wallet and took a few notes and said to the boy. What if we checked again, just in case if u have enough money? Ok he said.

'I hope that I have enough. I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll, and even some spare money. The little boy said: 'Thank you God for giving me enough money then he looked at me and added: 'I asked yesterday before I slept for God to make sure I have enough money to buy this doll so that mummy can give it to my sister. He heard me. I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mummy, but I didn't dare to ask God too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and the white rose. You know, my mummy loves white rose. A few minutes later, the old lady came again and I left with my trolley. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local newspaper article 2 days ago, which mentioned of a drunk man in a truck who hit a car where there was one young lady and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-assisting machine, because the young lady would not be able to get out of the coma. Was this the family of the little boy? Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young lady had passed away. I couldn't stop myself and went to buy a bunch of white roses and I went to the mortuary where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wish before burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. I left the place crying, feeling that my life had been changed forever. The love that this little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to that day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk man had taken all this away from him.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Set a Man on Fire...

Give a man fire, and he will be warm for a day; set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life...

Should Couples Life Together?

I've been thinking if LLBQ and I should live together... Let's see what Barbara De Angelis says:

SHOULD COUPLES LIFE TOGETHER?
In the past few decades, millions of couples of all ages have chosen to live together, either as a prelude to marriage, or in place of marriage. (NOTE: If you have strong judgments about living together due to your religious or moral beliefs, please understand that I'm looking at this issue purely from a psychological point of view, and skip this question if you wish.) I feel it's important to understand both the positive and negative consequences of living with someone you love.

The Case For Living Together:

There is a part of me that feels, after having seen so many dysfunctional and incompatible relationships over the years, all couples should live together before deciding to get married. I wonder how many unhealthy relationships would have ended if the two partners had tried being together twenty-four hours a day, and thus had come face to face with the issues they were avoiding by seeing each other only on week-ends or a few nights a week.

Here are some of the benefits of living together:

1. You discover sides of your partner's personality you cannot know about unless you live together. There is no way you can get to know a person whom you see intermittently as well as if you lived together. It's a lot easier for someone to be on his best behavior for three hours during a date than it is for him to maintain that behavior day after day when you live under the same roof. When you live with someone, you uncover habits, attitudes and behaviors you never see otherwise. You see him in his natural habitat, his home, and thus become exposed to sides of his personality he may be hiding from you when he is outside in the world. You see him when he is tired, when he is sick, when he is angry, when he is frustrated, and when he is grumpy. Living together requires a sharing of power and control; it demands compromise and flexibility from both partners. You get exposure to the full range of his emotional reactions.
I've heard so many nightmare stories about people marrying their partner and moving in together, only to discover things about their mate that are unacceptable. Marriage is tough enough without any unpleasant surprises.

2. You discover more about whether or not your lifestyles are truly compatible. Some men make great lovers in a romantic affair, but lousy husbands. Some women are fantastic part-time companions, but terrible full time wives. You may enjoy loving someone, but hate living with him. The qualities that encourage you to fall in love with someone and have a great time seeing him may not be enough to create day to day harmony once you move in together. You may find out your partner's lifestyle doesn't fit with yours, something you'd never know about unless you shared the same living space over a long period of time.

3. You discover how capable your partner is of true partnership. Living together requires a sharing of power and control; it demands compromise and flexibility from both partners since you are merging the habits and desires of two unique individuals. You may not find out how willing or capable your mate is of true partnership until you commit to living together. Only when you have to make decisions together about finances, food, household responsibilities, acquisitions , etc. do you truly discover what kind of team player your partner is.

The Case Against Living Together:

1. You can destroy the relationship by expecting too much from it when it's still developing. Although I personally feel living together with a mate can be a valuable experience at a certain stage of the relationship, I also feel that living together prematurely is a big mistake. I've counseled too many couples who moved in together for the wrong reasons:

* To save money
* Because one had a nicer place
* So they could spend more time together
* Because one partner was afraid of losing the other

Living together before your relationship has reached a significant level of commitment, maturity and emotional stability can actually speed up the disintegration of the relationship. If your relationship isn't ready to handle the pressures of living together, it might fall apart under the strain that living together prematurely brings.

2. You can become emotionally lazy. If moving in with someone feels like a goal to you, and you live together before you're ready, you risk becoming emotionally lazy in the relationship. You may avoid conflict in order to keep the peace, especially if you haven't learned to work through conflict together. You may give your partner less attention and appreciation since he or she is there all the time, or neglect the relationship in other ways.

3. You can avoid furthering your commitment to one another. You may have heard the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I think it was used by many of our mothers in their attempt to convince us that boys wouldn't marry us if we had sex with them, since they were already getting what they wanted. I've heard this same argument about living together--that if a man is living with you and enjoying the benefits of domestic life, he has no reason to ask you to marry him. I have to agree that in some cases, not all, this may be true, especially if you haven't known one another for a good length of time. Some commitment phobic men (or women) might hide behind living together in order to still experience the intimacy they crave, but also to avoid making the final commitment of marriage.

I don't believe the solution is to refuse to move in with someone unless you are engaged or married, unless that feels right to you. If you are considering living with someone, but want the formal structure of marriage somewhere down the road, you need to discuss all of this before you actually move in together in order to avoid any misunderstandings. You may want to come up with a time projection, nine months or a year, for instance, at which point you will reevaluate your relationship and decide whether or not you feel ready to marry.

The Old Must Go, The New Will Come...

It's been a while since I last blogged. Been so busy with all the hoo haa.... Let's just say I've good news and old news.

Let's start with the old news. I quit. That's right... I quit from the company that I was working with the pathological liar in. Totally gave up my directorship merely for 2 reasons. You could have guessed. No more businesses with the pathological liar. Full stop. Nada. Second, it's not even my goals and it's not even making money except for the pathological liar. Not worth my effort in it if you ask me. It's been a wild and crazy 2 years and now it's the time to change. Like the saying, "if you keep doing what you always been doing, you'll keep getting what you've always been getting"... Got that from Anthony Robbins. No more for me!

Now the good news. LLBQ is back in my life! Yes, that's right. All misunderstanding sorted out. Our life together is greater than it has ever been! The One Big Moronic Asshole (OBMA) who has been deframing me and created all the misunderstanding is still working his crap but LLBQ is much smarter than that. LLBQ has totally phased out OBMA although OBMA just wouldn't stop trying. Well, I've found out that OBMA has a psychological problem. A serious and pathological psychological problem. In other words, a real fucked up psycho!!! We shall also term OBMA as RFUP - Real Fucked Up Psycho.

Let's talk about LLBQ. Whatever RFUP did, it certainly helped us a lot. We are communicating better than we ever were before. We are closer than ever. We are more loving than ever. It's just a great outcome. Nothing can stop us now. Stay tuned.


Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Pathological Liar...

What is Pathological...? It is defined as such: Pathological - Of, relating to, or manifesting behavior that is habitual, maladaptive, and compulsive: eg. a pathological liar.

Pathological Liar! - I know of someone exactly like that… Let's call him Pathological Liar Good Friend (PLGF). Its quite stressed to know a good friend like that as you don’t know if the truth is spoken or just lies anymore. Therefore, it leads to major confusion about everything you do with that person. Best part is, PLGF gives you not just lies but his constain bragging of his high life (which we don't know if it is true or not) and he doesn't even realize the truth within himself. Besides being a pathological liar, he also is not focus on things he does. Having many intimate partners, and many businesses which he never focuses on. Once, PLGF told us (the 3 of us are business partners) that he has a major meeting to attend to. Next thing you know, hearing from some sources that he was with one of his girlfriends in Penang having a wild time. Whenever the 2 of us partners are busy with our personal engagements, PLGF will constantly bitch about us not being focus and commited to the business. And yet he never tells us the truth about what he is doing. Lies and lies gets created on top of another lie till it builds up into heaps of LIES!


Let me tell you a little about the PLGF's lists of girlfriends (I've met some of them except #1 - Pathological Liar?):
1. Recent Beauty Queen Chick (RBQC)
She's quite a looker. Has tons of money from her title. However, I know her but I've never seen him with her together before. Another pathological liar's attempt? Not sure. PLGF spends about twice a week with RBQC.
2. Russian Connection Older Chick (RCOC)
This one has been around for the longest time before GCEW below. The funny thing is that she has been with PLGF while he was married to GCEW and after PLGF's seperationg with GCEW, she just remains as regular girlfriend. Also, that has something to do with RCYC below.
3. Russian Connection Younger Chick (RCYC)
Now talking about the huge age gap. PLGF and her is 2 years apart! No kidding. RCYC is crazy about PLGF and RCYC happens to be RCOC's younger sister. Now you see the mess. RCYC was so crazy about PLGF that PLGF kindly took her in and made a disasterous mistake of consuming inmature content! The funny thing is now, PLGF-RCOC-RCYC is a trio. How's that for relationships??!!
4. Young Confused Stewardess Chick (YCSC)
Now this is my favorite. I know her the best and she's an extremely nice girl but I would say, a little confused. Who would go out with a pathological liar with 6 girlfriends and a ex-wife. Anyhow, she lives downsouth due to the nature of her job. YCSC would frequently call me everytime she tries looking foor PLGF and PLGF is missing (or busy with his pathological shit).
5. Shah Alam Cute Chick (SACC)
This one is really, really, really cute. She even knows RBQC personally and have met YCSC, RCYC and RCOC. Can you believe it! That's the skill of a pathological liar. But she's history or almost history. Apparently SACC has saw through PLGF and PLGF has been pathologically lying about everything and everything about SACC.
6. Tall Thin Dutch Chick (TTDC)
Met TTDC once. Apparently PLGF is going out with her but just like RBQC, I've never seen them together before eventhough I'm supposely PLGF's good friend and business partner. I hear a lot about her but I guess she moved south knowing the PLGF isn't going to be true to her. Some people do have brains... She's a lawyer btw.
7. Great Cute Ex-Wife (GCEW)
This is the best person of all. Know her very well and she's the best wife one could have. I would not even dwell into the story of why PLGF is not with her anymore since we don't know what sort of pathological lies he has created about what happened. Therefore it's not even worth mentioning though it does make a very good blog story. Haven't heard or seen her in a while. But it seems like she doesn't want PLGF that much. Nobody knows. Maybe I'll find out one day when I see GCEW around.

Now, that's 6 intimate girlfriends and 1 ex-wife. All whom don't know each other exist in such positions in PLGF life. How does PLGF do it? Well, be a pathological liar. You do get far but nobody is stupid. End of the day, how far can you go?

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

679 Emails

I was away from the office for 3 days... Just a 3 day weekend and the emails racked up to 679. Now, how am I going to read everything. The best part is, SPAM. After religiously deleting every single crap SPAM emails that seems to enjoy filling up my mailbox, ahh... now 135 emails to read... That leaves me with no time to blog any further today. And yes, I'm happy... Read topic before this... LLBQ... :)

The Relive of LLBQ

You hear that right... remember LLBQ? Life Long Beauty Queen is back! We finally spoke. Sorted out many things. It was all a misunderstanding. We both have been waiting for each other to make a move. I guess I had to. I needed to know. It turned out well. In fact, too well! All nice and danddy now. LLBQ is back in her hometown right now. We can't see each other right now but we did spend 4 hours on the phone last night and spoke about many things. She called earlier when I was busy so I returned her call later... As usual, the 1.5 hours timer on the phone cut us off. Then we spoke again till the 1.5 hours timer cut off the line again! But we wrapped it up in another hour. It was a great conversation. It would be nice to keep doing is on and on... but yes, I do have to exersize control. To grow slowly and steadily... to grow...

"How Could I Know" - Trademark
I never wanted to fall again
My heart was wounded
From where I'd been before
Then I saw you
I was determined not to feel a thing
Not let it touch me or ever hurt me again
Then I saw you
How could I know
When I saw you
Every thought that I had about love
Would finally come true
How could I know
You'd change my world around
It's all brand new
Since I saw you
I noticed you from across the room
All of my fears disappeared from view
When I saw you
My hearts skipped a beat when I took that first step
I had to touch you before my next breath was through
When I saw you
[Chorus]

This song by Trademark means so much at this point of time. How true it was when I saw her...

Friday, December 03, 2004

Mistakes,... NOT!

I was reading what Kimble said... Very well expressed of what I think others have been saying about me to Life Long Beauty Queen which got her confused about me...

"I made a few mistakes in the past. I am only human and still young. Learning & evolving every day. But if you are famous and "different" every mistake is just another witch hunt. I learned to live with it and it only made me stronger. My answer to any kind of bad mouthing is my continuous success. "

Jealous aren't ya? Jealous that LLBQ is so in love with me? Jealous that LLBQ has found the love of her life? Well, jealousy only makes you bitch more like a whaling cow... Keep whining people. For I know what I've done and so did 99.999% if the people out there who knows me well.

And if you think LLBQ is gonna believe you for long, we shall see. You who is having a kick on deframing me (you know exactly which 2 of you are)... I would like to wish you extreme hell in your life. Keep it up and you shall see the wraft of your own doing. Die die die!!!

Do I Miss Life Long Beauty Queen?

It's been 3 weeks since I last spoke/messaged Life Long Beauty Queen. Neither did she respond with any calls/messages. How do I feel about it? Well, I do miss LLBQ quite a fair bit. In fact, I do miss the times that I spend and the future we were planning for each other. But I had to hold my horses. We love many things in life but not necessary get everything that we love. I discernly suspect that LLBQ do have someone to catch her attention at the moment. For all the partnership we shared, no one will just keep quite after 3 weeks. Chances are she could be giving the same treatment. But we are talking about a woman here!!

An excerpt from David De Angelo:
"There's something about walking away from a woman, not calling her, etc. that triggers some sort of mechanism that causes women to call at the most unlikely times. My experience is that there's some kind of 2-4 week timer in a woman's head that goes off if she doesn't hear from you..."

Now we are talking. I shall see after 1 month what I should do with LLBQ. I'm sure LLBQ would definately would initiate contact again. But for now, I shall wait and see... I shall wait and see... I shall...

Teach Me How to Fish a Lifetime

I stumble upon this quote again that I saw a while ago before... It's so true. This quote tells us one very important thing. That's exactly we have to keep learning.

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime..."

How true is that?!! It applies to everything we do! Now, since this month is the month of relationships, I shall look at it in the relationship point of view. If every time your relationship hits the dumps, you seek help from someone and all someone do was to teach you how to do it, you'll only be able to handle it once. What happens when the next time your relationship hits the brick wall again? If you learn how to handle relationships, whenever the cracks open up in your relationships, you'll know how to mend it back.

I've some great friends who are extremely educated in regards to relationships and life. I constantly seek their help in understand and knowing what to do. However, I cannot rely on the fishes they are going to give me,... I need to build my own fishing technique. Therefore, I go out and seek knowledge. I ask every successful people about their relationships. I read books on relationships to build my understand. When I've reach the point of well educated, I shall publish my knowledge for the world to read on this blog.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

A New Relationship: Email to Blog

Just read about how I could email to a blog... And I'm trying this out to see if this works. A new relationship with my Blog is formed...

Monday, November 29, 2004

Carry Me Out in Your Arms

To my married and unmarried friends:

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, “You are the kind of man who best draws girl’s eyeballs.” Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, “Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.” Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn’t help doing so.

I moved Dew’s hands aside and said, “You go to select some furniture, O.K.? I’ve got something to do in the company.” Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew’s body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn’t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, “He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together.” I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I’ve got something to tell you, I said.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? “I’m serious.” I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

At that night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she
Didn’t want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, “He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?” This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, “I remember.” “You carried me in your arms,” she continued, so, “I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.”

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce,” she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, “daddy is holding mummy in his arms.” His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, “Let us start from today, don’t tell our son.” I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, “The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.”

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vaguer.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.

I didn’t tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, “It seems not difficult to carry you now.”

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, “All my dresses have grown fatter.” I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. “Dad, it’s time to carry mum out.” He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, “Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.”

I held her tightly and said, “Both you and I didn’t notice that our life was lack of such intimacy.”

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, “Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce. I’m serious.”

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. “You got no fever.” She said. I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Dew,” I said, “I can only say sorry to you, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of life, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.”

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst out crying. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, “I’ll carry you out every morning until we are old.”

Get Yourself Back

The goal is to get myself back... Reading the post on "How Can I Get My Partner Back?" I guess I would need to start with realigning my life. First action is to refocus. There are a few things that are important in my life. For example, focus on my career. I got a job and a few businesses on the side. How can I focus on it? Need to find new love in my career path. Either make a change or stay the same. If I keep doing what I always been doing, I'll keep getting what I always have been getting. And is that what I want? Hell no! So let's just say I'm sticking with the job for now. Bonus around the corner... :) As for the businesses, need to reposition myself. Looking into investing as well. Either real estate or commodities. But action will be taken soon. That's a matter on when.

Why do people focus on just career when hardest hit? That's my first thought too. Do we just want to hide? Human find things to keep them busy but we do not solve anything at the end of the day. We need to do things of our passion. What's my passion, I asked a couple of days ago? Well, I do know that the person I love is the biggest motivation and cheer factor for me. That's my passion. How do I align my passion to what I do in life? I can't be spending day in day out with the person I love. That's suffocated, ladies and gentlemen. Therefore, money came to mind. Money isn't my passion but it does provide me with the ability to do the things I'm passionate about eg. going places and having heaps of passionate activities with my loved one. Therefore, the focus is on money.

Also, would need to build a business where my loved one and I can participate in together. That would bring value and economics to the relationship. Though my potential life partner is not with me now, I need to GET MYSELF BACK! So whether Life Long Beauty Queen comes back or not, OR someone new comes along, I'll be ready. Ready to take on the world together... Yup!


Relationship is the Topic of Quarter 2004

Why relationships? Simple. We are involved in it all the time. Unless you live all by yourself... Even that, you have a relationship with the environment around you. But something, somehow, I got this feeling for a long term life partner relationship. It must has been my recent relationship with this girl. Let's call her "Life Long Beauty Queen" or LLBQ. Well, LLBQ has shown me how a relationship should be. LLBQ lived with me, took care of me. LLBQ loved me so much, I even felt a slight suffocation but I was so in love with LLBQ as well that it didn't matter. What turn out of it is that we great so much into each other in such a short period of time. Since we lived together, I had a taste of how a life long partnership would feel like. Is this marriage syndrome? I don't know. Maybe it is. However, we are not together now. It's a seperation. Yup. Other issues fell into place. That's another story all together. Will not dwell into it as of now coz a lot of things is still not perfect closed.

Now that leads me to what consist of a relationship? Tell me. I would like to know too. I've been doing a lot of reading on relationships etc... Thanks to John Gray, I've picked up a few good thoughts and will continue to build on them and grow. Will blog it here once I have a great material to share. But I do recomend, "What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You and Your Father Didn't Know"... It's a great read aside from the all popular "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". In fact, I find the Mars Venus book more general and a good start. The Mother Father book would be something more illustrative and adaptable to my current situation - which is recently single after having the known most perfect relationship that I had.

Does anyone have any great comments to share on relationships? It's the topic of the quarter and I'll be posting more on it as I go along this search of understand women, relationships and life.


How Can I Get My Partner Back?

I stumble upon this from Barbara De Angelis' website Q&A section... And it sure does make a lot of sense. Most people just whine and view it their own way... Me, I choose to read and learn, apart from the experiences I get...


Q: My girlfriend broke up with me a few months ago because she said she wanted to date other people and needed some space. I still love her very much. How can I get her back?

A: You can’t. Your former girlfriend obviously doesn’t want to be with you right now. She’s not interested. She’s made that very clear. So as much as it hurts, and I know it does, you have to let go. You say you love her very much. Fine--then support her quest for happiness, even though it doesn’t involve you, and honor her wishes to not be with you. As difficult as this sounds, what are your true alternatives? There are none.

Let’s talk about you for a moment. You’re in love with someone who has rejected you, and are having a hard time getting over her. It’s no accident that you’re in this situation, and I’ll bet it isn’t the first time you’ve loved someone more than she has loved you. Please use this time alone to do some serious emotional work on yourself. You’re acting out a painful pattern, and even though you believe your troubles would be over if only your girlfriend would come back, that’s not the answer. You need to heal that insecure little boy inside you that doesn’t believe he’s lovable, and thinks he has to work really hard to get someone to care about him. Don’t make your goal getting her back--make it getting yourself back.

Lepaker's Destiny

The lepaker has finally decided to make his mark in the blog world... A new greater life begins. The path has been set. The lepaker will shine... Let the Lepaker's Destiny begin...